Hi from the nail salon!

Recently, I’ve been trying to pinpoint when my anxiety truly became anxiety. I cannot think of a root cause or a single event that made me an extremely anxious person; I’ve just always been this way. Sure, some events definitely traumatized me and conditioned me to react to things the way I do, but I can’t remember ever feeling differently. So, it is what it is.

But this got me thinking about… the fourth-grade tax project.

I have never been good at math, and in fourth grade, I got a real slap in the face. I had to do simulated taxes. As a mere 10-year-old being introduced to “the real world,” I was miserable. I was already bad at math—now add the stress of a real-life task I will actually have to do at some point, and then continue to do forever. What if I mess it up?

I asked my dad for help because I figured he would know a thing or two, but somehow, I still struggled so much with this project. I distinctly remember getting a bad grade and thinking, “What do I do now?”

When I’m older, am I just going to accidentally commit tax fraud?

It’s one of my earliest memories of a full-blown existential spiral: Oh no, how will I live without my parents? How will I afford anything? Will my Dad just do my taxes for me? Please? I’m only 10!!!