Hi, here is the script for an SNL-type sketch I wrote about finding out a guy has an entirely different name.

INT: BOUTIQUE STATIONARY STORE

A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed couple, that are so happy if you look at them for too long you see that they radiate “he finally proposed!!!!!”, is perusing the wedding section of the stationary store looking for “the one”.

Bride: So should I put your last name on the invite?

Groom: Yeah of course, just put my name.

6 months later…

EXT: WEDDING CEREMONY

A wedding is about to take place at an intimate mountaintop, surrounded by nature, big beautiful flower arch over the altar.

Person 3: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate one of life’s most profound commitments: two hearts becoming one. These youngsters (*elbow rubs the bride) stand before us, ready to declare their devotion to one another and begin this sacred journey as partners in life. Marriage is a promise–a promise to be honest, to build trust through understanding and openness, and to nurture a divine bond that grows stronger with each passing day. As you prepare to exchange your vows, remember that these promises are more than words; they are the foundation of a life you will build together. * looks at groom* Now son, you better take care of my little girl *winks/cries* Now may we take this moment to honor the trust and love that unites Mona and William.

Bride: WHO??!??!?!?!

Groom: *coughs under breath* ah hem that’s me, babe.

Bride: So you are telling me Bill isn’t your real name?!! You told me Bill was short for Billy so I call you Bill. I’ve been calling you Bill for the past t-e-n- y-e-a-r-s, and I find out that your name is William during our wedding???

Wedding Guests: *gasp*

Bride: After countless monogrammed kitchen utensils I’ve gotten you, the wedding invitations, everything on our wedding registry–and you decide to tell me now. Wait- you didn’t even tell me I had to hear it from my dad of all people. I just got over finding out that his real name is William and not Willy?!!?!? *realizes* Oh great *shakes head dramatically* So my soon-to-be husband and dad share a name. How cute *makes a super grumpy face*.

Person 3 (Father of the Bride): Sweetie I’m really sorry about that. *pats bride on back*

Bride: Wait wait wait. So your name is William Atticus Dick and—

Groom: *interrupts bride * uhhh babe. I know this is really bad timing but the A in WAD doesn’t stand for Atticus.

Bride: Oh great you aren’t bad you are a WAD. My soon-to-be husband. A wad!

Groom: So you know how my dad is the chef at the French Restaurant downtown.

Bride: Yeah.

Groom: Well, my parents must’ve thought they were real funny because its not Attakiss its Ála. I’m William Ála Dick.

Bride: Wait wait wait. I am just now putting it together. Your name is William Ala Dick when you told me your name was Billy Attakiss Dick.

Groom: Ála means according to or in the manner of.

Wedding Guests: *either nod or say ooooooooooh in an “I get it now type of way”.

Bride: I know.

*long pause*

Bride: So you decided to tell me that instead of Billy Attakiss Dick you are William (ála) in the manner of Dick. You are an idiot. How is being Billy Attakiss Dick better than William Àla Dick? Just when I thought I was escaping my namesake of being Mona Lott– to Mona Dick, *stubborn face* which was very hard for me because I don’t like to think of other kids calling our child a dick on the playground.

Wedding Guests: *all gasp*

Groom’s Dad: *stands up and screams* Let’s goooooooooooooo *while patting his bros on the back and exchanging fist bumps*

Flower Girl: *tugs on Mona’s dress and looks up at her* Mona you have a dick in you?

Bride: I’m out.